My Celebrate Recovery Testimony
Presented: Oct. 9, 2019
The Makings of Me –
Girl, Interrupted –
The Story of Us –
Colorado, here we come!! –
Pandora’s Box –
Little Girl Lost –
35 and Beyond –
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The Makings of Me:
Hi. My name is Lakita and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who struggles
with bipolar disorder and codependency.
2 Corinthians 9:13 tells us, It is proof of your faith. Many people may praise
God because you obey the Good News of Christ-the gospel you say you
believe-and because you freely share with them and all others.
I am also a strong advocate for transparency and through it there is healing.
There is peace.There is truth. My earliest memories begin when I was around 8 years
old and for some strange reason I cannot remember anything that happened before
that. Honestly, I don’t think I would want to know even if I could remember. My best
memories are illusions of a happy, healthy and normal life. I lived in barbie world inside
my head. My reality was far from the fairytale. I was a timid child and I grew up in an era
where children were seen and not heard and don’t think about saying how you really
feel. So I grew into a shell of a child. Very bitter and confused. My mom and step-father
were functioning alcoholics. You see we were a normal family Monday through Friday.
But, on the weekends hell would break loose. Arguing, fighting etc. My step-father
would disappear for days on end and this only made things worse.
I will never forget the phone call I received when I was ten. I was told my real
father had died and I would be required to go to his funeral. I cried for three days with
an excruciating migraine. My mother left him when I was two for my then step-father. I
was not only sad that he had died. I was sad and mourning the relationship we ​didn’t
have. This left a massive hole in my heart and that hole just got bigger with each
passing year. Fast forward to the age of 15…by this time my mother and step-father
permanently separated and I was left to pick up the pieces.
Luke 12:48 states, To whom much is given much is required.
I felt like God hated me. Like he was far away and not interested in my life
anyway. So why care about myself?? Around this time, I met my husband and at that
time I was trying to be grown. I started drinking, smoking weed and dabbling in
promiscuous better. I didn’t even care how this behavior made me look or feel. I just
knew God had surely given me too much responsibility and I had to be the grown up for
me and my mother.
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Girl, Interrupted:
Being 15. What word would I use to describe myself during this time in my
life?? Jezebel lol. I had mastered the art of seducing young men and didn’t care about
anyone’s feelings. Everything was all about me. My mother was drinking heavily and her
current boyfriend got her hooked on crack. So she was there in passing. I did my own
thing. Then I met my husband. I was 15 and he was 23. I remember thinking, This time I
really blew. There was no way my family would let me date a 23 year old man. But, two
months later I was pregnant with our 1st daughter. So apparently, it was too late. After
our daughter was born, we moved into a 2 bedroom apt.
Life seemed to be going okay. I was a stay at home girlfriend and I felt like I was
grown and didn’t see the importance of finishing high school. I told myself I could always
go back later on in life. My mother and I were not on good terms. I was barely talking to
other family members. So who cared if I finished school anyway?? Here is where I
started to experience the insanity of doing the same thing over and over again and
expecting a different result.
Proverbs 3:5-7 says,Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on
your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him and he will make your
paths straight.
I wasn’t trusting in God at all. I wasn’t even trusting in myself or my husband. I
was just going through the motions. Life became harder and harder and by the time I
turned 27 I had 3 more daughters. We were very poor and the depression and trauma
from my childhood was starting to rear its ugly head. I could no longer suppress my
past.
I knew something was definitely wrong with me. Inside I was dying and I had no
idea how to fix it or find someone to help me. Plus, I was in denial about my mental
health issues. ​ Step #1 tells us to, Realize I am not God, I admit that I am powerless
to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.
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The Story of Us:
Jeremiah 29:11 says, For I know the plans I have for you, says the
Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a
hope.
Little did I know at the time, you cannot control who you fall in love with. The day
I told my husband I was pregnant I was 15 years old and scared to death. I was not at
all expecting the response he gave me. He said, “Well I love you and we will figure it
out. I’m not going anywhere.” I was shocked and I was not ashamed to admit to him that
I got pregnant on purpose. Our 1st daughter was born April 1996. She was the only
good thing I’d ever done and I finally felt like I mattered. I was still naive. I thought I
could heal the hole in my heart from my horrible past by having a baby. So, even if my
husband did leave at least I’d have a baby who would love me forever. I felt worthless
inside. I was scared. I remember asking myself, who would want to be tied down to a
damaged 15-year old girl trying to be a woman with a baby?? Naturally, my family
wasn’t happy and threatened to get the law involved because I was a minor. I didn’t
care. In my heart I knew he was “the one.”
But, just like Jeremiah 29:11 says: God knows the plans he has for us…
Of course by this time, I fell completely head over heels for him. When I looked
up we were on baby #2, living in our own place and I was a high school drop out. Our
2nd daughter was born in Dec. 1998. My 2nd daughter was totally different than my 1st
daughter. We noticed changes in her development when she was around 4 months old.
Then when she turned 7 months and wasn’t reaching those milestones that most babies
reach, we took her to a specialist. We were told she had microcephaly which means
“small brain.” It causes severe mental retardation. Spastic quadreplegia. Scoliosis.
Inability to speak and round the clock care for the rest of her life.
Inadequate isn’t the word to describe the disappointment I felt in my heart.
DIsappointment in myself. My daughter and my relationship. How did we have a
daughter with these kinds of challenges when the 1st one came out fine?? What I
learned most from Cede is patience.
This was another lesson in ​ Principle #1
…I’ll just call it ​ Powerless.
Colorado, here we come!!
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2 Corinthians 12:7-9 talks about “the thorn in Paul’s flesh” that he begged
to have removed, but was given to him to keep him humble. Three times he pleaded
with God. But, he refused to take it away. Instead he responded in verse 9 by saying,
His Grace was Sufficient for him.
My lowest point happened within the last ten years. I have been through so much
and it was only by his grace that I am still here. But, of course, I didn’t know that at the
time. My mom was diagnosed with throat cancer in 2008. But, backing up a little bit in
2007 we moved to Colorado from Illinois to make a better life for my family. It was a
hard adjustment and it took about six months for us to get on our feet. We were going to
a good church. Were blessed with a beautiful home and we both had good jobs that we
loved.
Life was good until it wasn’t…
My 1st experience with infidelity started off as a harmless online conversation
that resulted in a devastating emotional affair. Even with all my blessings I remember
feeling empty and lost. I felt like I had a massive hole in my heart. Of course, my
husband found out and this was also around the time he was diagnosed with a heart
condition and lost his job. Its like I knew our perfect world was coming to an end. We
had to move back to Illinois because we couldn’t afford the cost of living. Again, I
questioned God and my faith. I was literally angry with him and I also became very
bitter.
Upon our return to Illinois my mother’s cancer had come back and she lost the
battle Dec. 22, 2009. She also had Hepatitis C. My blamed myself for putting her in a
nursing home and that is where she passed. I mean what kind of daughter does that to
a mother who did her best to raise and love them?? After this I became and complete
zombie. Sleeping for days and stuck in bed for weeks at a time. I had given up on life. In
March 2010 I was diagnosed with Bipolar I, general anxiety and severe insomnia.
Meanwhile, I discovered a site called Adultspace, which is the XXX version of MySpace.
Again, I found myself getting attached to a guy. This one was from Ny and it became
sexual and ended with me sending him $5,000 in cash over 4 years. He literally
“internet pimped” me. He was a narcissist. I was codependent. Bad combination!!
Little Girl Lost:
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So how did I end up in recover?? I finally realized (as stated in Principle #1) that I
couldn’t control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life had become
unmanageable. Notice how I kept coming back to step #1??
In 2013 and I had my 1st mental break. As a result I was arrested for disturbing
the peace by repeatedly calling 911 and given a $100 fine. When I came to I woke up at
Touchette on a 5 day psych hold. I also remember a lot of ativan and taking off all my
clothes. My diagnosis was upgraded to Bipolar I with psychotic features. In two years
time I’d had 4x hospitalizations. I also became addicted to alcohol and sleeping pills. I
was a living wreck!!
During my 1st psychotic episode I met a very good friend who referred me to
Grow and Celebrate Recovery. I remember thinking, “why not”?? My life wasn’t going
anywhere and I could no longer continue the path I was on. I can honestly say
Celebrate Recovery changed my life. I attended for one full year and found an
accountability partner and sponsor. I won’t say my journey was easy and I don’t really
remember how many times I relapsed. But, I stuck with it, worked the steps and joined a
Step Study with my sponsor. I was very naive back then. I thought that if I did a step
study, attended every Friday and worked the steps that I would “magically” be cured. I
was not entirely ready for God to remove my character defects and even though I was
no longer cheating or drinking, my past continued to follow me. I was still stuck and lost.
Now I felt my relationship with Jesus Christ had grown…but I had not. This
resulted in 4 years of going around in circles like the Israelites stuck in the wilderness
for 40 years. ​ I was getting nowhere…fast!!
I was smart enough to know there was
more to life than this, but I didn’t know how to change it.
Working the program helped me to have hope in Jesus. Hope is friendship. Hope
in love. Hope in my family and a desire to live life to the fullest. There had to be more to
life than misery and I was determined to be happy. If not for me, then certainly for my 4
daughters!! The step that stuck out of me was Step #8 which states, “Yield myself to
God to be used to bring this Good News to others, both by my example and by my
words.”
I vowed to carry this hopeful and healing message to others and to practice these
principles in everything I did. What I like most about Celebrate Recovery is that you can
work the steps at your own pace and go back to them if you need to.
39 and Beyond:
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Today, I have 60 days clean and sober from alcohol and chemical
addiction. I have completed my 2nd step study with our Celebrate Recovery
women’s leader Chrissy and I was recently asked to be an accountability partner
and sponsor. Life for me is starting to look up. I have a beautiful family and 3
grandsons to motivate me to continue to try and allow God to walk with me every
step of the way. Now don’t get me wrong, everyday is not gumdrops and
lollipops. But, the episodes are getting fewer and fewer. I constantly take
inventory and admit when I am wrong and I reach out to my support team for
help. The changes God has made in my relationship with others is exercising
forgiveness and transparency. Everyday I am growing and accepting myself for
who I am, which allows to be more relatable and humble. My goal is to one day
open a Celebrate Recovery Community Center in the Belleville area.
The areas of my life that are gone is self-medicating. I no longer try to
sleep my problems away or numb the pain with alcohol. I am learning how to feel
each emotion and see it for what it is. I have a new therapist and we are working
on mindfulness. I am actually excited for the holidays. I look forward to a new
season of change. My walk with God has changed with my prayer life. I talk to
God in the car and a couple times I even fell asleep talking to him. I read my daily
devotional and I try to attend church as often as I can. The benefit I have
received in working the program is true friendship and learning how to trust.
The encouragement I can give to a newcomer is to stick with it and keep
pushing!! There are times you are going to feel like giving up. There are times
when you feel like no one will understand. There are times when you feel isolated
and alone. That’s when you reach out to the people you connect with and people
who have your best interest at heart. You also need someone in your life who’s
going to tell you the truth and hurt your feelings a little bit. My trusted friend and
sister always says, “You have to have the will to get well.” In my recovery I learn
something new everyday. No one has all the answers. Finally,I realize I am ​ NOT
God and only he has the power to help me recover.

Remember, there is hope at the end of the tunnel. There is hope in
Celebrate Recovery. There is hope in Jesus Christ.

Thank you for letting me share!!